The Backlash of Taking Up Space
Last month, I went on two trips:
One to the Dominican Republic.
And one to a very loud corner of the internet.
Context
Last month, while on vacation, a man commented on my biceps and told me that they were bigger than his. I’m fairly certain most of the women who are reading this can imagine the tone in which it was said, but if you’re having difficulty understanding, let me be clear: this was not said as a compliment.
My response to him was: “Then you should work harder”. If you’re going to comment on my body - especially in a negative way - you do not deserve a respectful response.
The next day, I was leaving the resort gym, and a man walked up to me, politely said hello and said that he wanted to tell me how impressive it was to see the heavy weights I was lifting and how great it is to see strong women.
I thanked him.
Why was this different than the first exchange?
Because he was speaking about my work ethic, not my body.
Later that day, I chose to share these two experiences on my Instagram, and asked the viewers to play a game - can we spot the insecure man versus the secure man?
Reader, if you find yourself wondering how you spot them, here’s how:
Insecure men comment on women’s bodies.
Secure men do not.
The Backlash
The first twelve hours of this post was nothing out of the ordinary. My small following liked and commented, with several comments clearly understanding the difference between the two and why I responded to the first man the way that I did.
The next day, I opened my Instagram to find several comments in my notifications that shocked me. In fact, I had to re-read them to understand that these were legitimate comments on my page - a page focused on strength, support and appreciation of what our bodies can do, not what they look like.
“She’s like 40% body fat”
“They where flirting with you so they both must be real desperate”
“How do we spot a 2”
“None of this happened. But you wish it did, so you made a video as if it did”
“Now let’s play how to spot a single chick versus a married chick”
“Why are white women like this”
This is when I stopped looking at the comments. Over the next several hours, the number of comments fueled with misogyny and hate continued to grow, and I received multiple texts from concerned friends (of all genders) to check in with me. Without looking at the comments, I knew that it was time to limit the hate, and I had the comments shut down on the post and implemented several other security restrictions. (Shout out to my very secure male friend who stepped in to help make this happen.)
The Aftermath
While I’m no stranger to unkind words about my body (both by others and by my former eating disorder-fueled brain), the unexpected attack on me from anonymous individuals behind their keyboards took me by surprise and sent my nervous system into a tailspin.
While it’s very easy to read this and say “don’t let the trolls get you down”, it’s not as easy as it sounds. Your nervous system doesn’t know the difference between a tiger in the jungle or an onslaught of hatred being spewed at you from out of the blue.
I actually tapped into my yoga training and knowledge around grounding techniques (thank goodness for both of those!) to help bring myself back to a more regulated state of being:
Purposeful breathing: Taking a deep breath in through the nose, and exhaling for a longer count through the mouth.
Grounding: Taking off footwear and feeling the earth underneath the feet.
Using logic to stop unhelpful thoughts: “This is a thought that I am having. This thought is not me”.
The Takeaways
When women display strength, autonomy, or confidence, appearance often becomes the quickest point of attack. Psychologists describe this pattern through Objectification theory — the cultural habit of reducing women to bodies first and people second.
And when a woman refuses to shrink? Research on hostile sexism shows that backlash often follows, and not through thoughtful dialogue or disagreement, but through punishment - frequently delivered through shame.
Because shame is efficient. It bypasses logic, and it targets identity. In this instance, it hoped that if it could make me question how I look, maybe it’ll cause me to question how much space I take up.
The internet didn’t invent this, but it sure does amplify it.
But here’s what I know:
As I noted above, my nervous system reacted because shame is a social threat. We are wired for belonging, and public ridicule - even from complete strangers - can feel like exile. And, it’s important to note that this reaction doesn’t make me weak - it makes me human.
But guess what? Once you understand that appearance-based attacks are often a last resort when substance fails, they start to look less like truth and more like projection.
So no, I won’t shrink.
I won’t apologize for strength.
And I won’t carry shame that was thrown at me in someone else’s attempt to feel bigger.
I’ll keep taking up space - in the gym, online and anywhere else I choose to stand.
I hope you join me.
